Pairings:Junsu/Jay, Junsu/Jiyong (friendship)
Warning: boyxboy, deals with Jay leaving
Disclaimer:If I owned them, be sure I wouldn't write fanfiction ^^
A/N:I don't hate Jay and I'm not happy about the whole thing, this is just fiction and how the story goes; English is not my first language; beta-ed by the wonderful lost_view
Sometimes Junsu thinks the world is crashing down on him. When it's all too much, the light’s not bright enough and the air’s not clear enough. He feels like everything is falling to pieces and no matter how hard he tries to hold on it's all slipping through his fingers – so fast, so uncontrollable – like water. And in moments like these he feels so small, so useless, so helpless, like a child lost in a supermarket. He doesn't think he can handle it, handle this.
When it's their time to debut, everyone is excited. Finally it's their time to shine, to show the world what they can do, to reach for the stars and maybe even more, to live their dreams.
But Junsu feels helpless and small all again, feels like reliving his first day in kindergarten or his first day in school all over again. He has restless nights and his thoughts wander and wander and make his head spin. He tries to focus, because this is his chance; maybe his only chance. He gathers all his courage, he fights through lonely nights, through stressful days and endless hours of practicing and training and yelling from coaches. And the moment he's on a stage, blinded by the lights, by the atmosphere, by his group-members and the fans, he cannot help but feel overjoyed (even despite his more than small part on the song). He's finally where he always wanted to be.
When it's their time to debut, Junsu is drawn to their leader like a moth to a flame. He can't help it and maybe he doesn't even want to. Jay is everything he always wanted to be; athletic, good-looking, charismatic, talented and just perfect. At first he thinks it's simple admiration for his hyung and leader. But as the time goes on he catches himself staring at the American more and more, always trying to get close to him, staying behind just to watch him dance, to hear him sing, to hear him talk. He still hopes it's just a phase, shrugging all the feelings away, keeping himself busy with dancing and singing and training. But deep down in his heart he knows it's more than just a phase, it's more than just a crush.
His heart is a malicious creature, he thinks, as it starts aching and yelling and betraying him. He tries hard to focus on their schedule but how can he not fall for Jay even more when he's around him almost all day? His only hope is that he's acting subtly enough and that his foolish heart will be satisfied with the minimal attention it gets from their leader.
Junsu has never strongly believed in God but the moment Jay cornered him after a dance practice he considers praying for his well-being for the first time.
“I'm not blind Junsu!”
“I don't know what you mean...”
Junsu yells at his heart to beat more silently, to beat slower, but once again it betrays him.
“Junsu, did you think I wouldn't notice the way you are looking at me?”
Jay is close, so close, and Junsu's mind is filled with his scent, with the heat radiating from his body. He tries to look anywhere but into those piercing eyes, he tries to get away without touching the other person.
Jay seems to be annoyed, angry, tired and even a little bit sad. And before Junsu can think of a way to escape, of another lie, he feels lips pressing against his and fingertips dipping into his skin, stroking his hip-bone, leaving traces of fire.
He wants to protest, to push the other away, to first talk about their feelings but instead his fingers find their way to Jay's hair, holding onto the leader like a drowning person.
He's finally where he always wanted to be.
That Jay leaves him on the floor, then he ignores him the next day, making jokes about him, treating him no differently than before. He just pushes that all away, erases it from his mind, locking up his aching and screaming heart. And when he feels those soft lips on his again, the strong grip on his hips, on his wrists and arms, he cannot think of anything better to happen.
Their life becomes more and more hectic and it all seems like a dream. Finally they're getting recognition, they're becoming famous, they're becoming idols. The dream becomes reality.
But with the dream there also comes a nightmare. More interviews, more training, more shows, more photo-shoots and even less sleep and food.
Jay is doing a good job as a leader, holding everyone together, providing support and a shoulder to lean on. Junsu still feels useless and lonely sometimes but the intimate moments he shares with their leader is everything he needs to make another miserable day seem like a part of a fairytale.
He doesn't care about the bruises (he's already getting better at making up excuses -I must have slipped while dancing-), about the way Jay treats him in front of other people, about the fact that Jay treats him more like a thing than like a person. And he still blames his heart for this, his foolish heart that never stopped beating for the leader. Yes, he, Kim Junsu, is in love with Park Jaebeom. He wants to go and scream out about his love from the top of the roofs. But once again he's afraid and feels useless and scared and helpless. He wants to talk with Jay about this, but the only times he is close to him is during their secret nights, their breathless encounters in a dark room, a hallway or even a park in the middle of the night. Maybe this is the way it's supposed to be, Junsu thinks and tries to go on ignoring his heart, because that's what he's used to do.
“You can't go on like this!”
Junsu sighs, the grip around his mug tightening, soft fingers pressing against the cold material.
“You may think we didn't notice, but we did. We care about you.”
Junsu thinks he's pathetic. He can't even look into their eyes, even though they're only worried about him, afraid of their thoughts about him, afraid of their accusations, of their sadness, of their disappointment.
“Hyung. Jay is an important person to us all but you shouldn't give yourself up.”
And with that they leave, a squeeze on his shoulder, a careful hug, even a pat on his hair; they leave him alone once again.
Junsu knows they care, they worry. He knows they don't judge him (because who's to judge love even if it's stupid) but still he feels like a little school boy again. Afraid of talking, afraid of voicing his opinion, afraid of acting. It almost feels like he's afraid of living and it's suffocating him.
So he goes for the only little piece of freedom, of security he knows: Jay.
When Jiyong calls him late at night, voice full of worry, of angst, Junsu begins to realize what his life has become. Jiyong has never been a person to openly show his feelings, to make late night calls just to make sure you're allright.
“Junsu, please promise me one thing, okay?”
Junsu wants to answer, wants to tell him he's okay, he's fine, but there's something holding him back, making him voiceless. So he just nods and hopes that Jiyong somehow understands.
That simple sentence has more strength than a tornado. It's crushing over him, over his body, his mind, like some higher power, finally shaking him to reality.
And suddenly everything breaks free, everything he was holding back, all the emotions. He starts crying and within no time Jiyong is there (he doesn't know how he got there but it doesn't really matter), holding him, being his shoulder to lean on. When he's finally done crying he feels so free, suddenly seeing a light, seeing a way. But he’s also tired, so endlessly tired. So Junsu closes his eyes falling asleep in a tight and warm embrace.
The next time Junsu and Jay are alone it's Jay that makes the first move.
Junsu doesn't understand. To be honest he never understood their leader, who is so different from him (and that was maybethe reason for a big part of the attraction he felt towards the other man).
“I'm leaving. And I'm not coming back.”
“What do you mean, you're leaving?”
“I'm going back to America.”
Junsu doesn't know what to say. It's a shock but strangely the world is not falling apart, there's no storm, no tornado, no earthquake. It's quiet and gentle. He doesn't know why he's not sad, why he's not crying and yelling and furious. Maybe this is the way it's supposed to be.
He sees the reaction of the other members, sees their faces scrunched in agony and pain and sadness, sees their tears, hears their screams. And once again he is struck by love.
Though this time, his love is equally divided for 5 people.
Junsu holds his head high and starts picking up the pieces, putting them together again, repairing the damage, repairing them, because after all, he cannot let their dream die.
He almost feels guilty for thinking it, but sometimes he's thankful for everything that happened with Jay.
Sometimes Junsu thinks the world is crashing down on him. When it's all too much, the light’s not bright enough and the air’s not clear enough. He feels like everything is falling to pieces and no matter how hard he tries to hold on, it's all slipping through his fingers – so fast, so uncontrollable – like water. And in moments like these he feels so small, so useless, so helpless, like a child lost in a supermarket. But looking at the people standing next to him (and those who are not directly next to him but are still there in his heart and mind), he thinks he can handle it, handle this.